


Chan Is Not A Father

by BunnyHani



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Bang Chan-centric, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Isolation, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Self-Doubt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 09:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18848419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunnyHani/pseuds/BunnyHani
Summary: Chan is the leader, it’s his responsibility look after the group, give advice and help and be there for them. But sometimes he feels like he’s suffocated, like he’s been stretched too thin, too many strings pulling from different directions. Chan truly realizes just how far he has gone, when seeing a text from a member, asking for advice, makes him want to cry and slap them simultaneously, but he just doesn’t have the heart to tell the members that he needs a breather.~Another one from my Tumblr!





	Chan Is Not A Father

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Isolation, Self-doubt, Unhealthy coping mechanisms and anxiety.
> 
> Please do not read, if you get triggered by these things!

Chan was always busy, in one way or another. He was always helping the members, listening to their concerns and giving them advice, being stuck in the studio and cooking. Doing all that, and right now Chan felt like he was truly suffocating. So he slowly started fading away, spending more hours in the studio in order to avoid people. Because now, rather than just feeling tired, he felt angry and frustrated when any member texted him and asked for advice. It scared him. He was usually happy to know that people needed him and relied on him, but now he just wished that not a single person would even breathe his way. He chewed on his lower lip, holding back tears as he stared at his computer screen. He needed to do some producing, work on lyrics, anything at all. But his mind was too tired. Suddenly his phone screen lit up, accompanied with a ‘ping’. He glanced down and saw a text message being played on his screen. 

Hyunjinnie: Channie-hyung. I think the flow of my rap is not very good, can you help me when you come back from the studio?

He felt anger lift it’s ugly head in his chest, shoving the responsible side of him to the side. Chan was so tempted to just call Hyunjin and plainly shout “fuck you” and start hitting the boy with his words, where he knew it hurted. As Hyunjin's friend, leader and a brother-like figure, he knew Hyunjin’s insecurities, darkest fears and how tender the dancer's heart was. When Chan understood what he was thinking, he threw his phone to the couch behind him, choking back a sob and burying his face to his hands. He didn’t want to hurt his friends, hell he didn’t want to hurt anyone! So why was he feeling this way. He didn’t dare to look at his phone again, so he just put on his headphones and listened to some music while trying to work. He dearly hoped that the music would cover the noise that his phone would make if anyone called or texted him. He wasn’t going to hurt anyone with his own words, except maybe himself. But rather him than any of the precious members. Another hit he took for the team. Sometimes he wondered, did he do too much? Did people actually see him as a dad, not the young adult that he actually was. Or that he was just a person like everyone else. Why was he this way? Was this his dams breaking, after holding everything in? Maybe so, but he didn’t want to be this way. Chan knew that loved the members and he loved what he did. It always brought him warmth and joy, knowing that the members trusted him enough to open up to him about their problems and get advice. And he could never tell them that he.. Didn’t want to take care of them? No, that wasn’t right. He wasn’t exactly sure that what did he want even. Chan felt so conflicted and confused that he just wanted to scream. He softly started crying as the emotions that he had kept bottled up finally came out. Chan wasn’t even angry anymore, he was just desperate that nobody would text, call or visit him now. He was just so tired that he didn’t want anyone get close to him, hence why he was sitting in the small studio that lacked fresh air.

During times like these he was thankful that the members were good at leaving him be when he went to the studio and the rest of 3racha had decided to stay behind. He didn’t know for how long did he just sit in the chair and cry. Even though he felt significantly calmer, the tears didn’t seem to have any intentions of stopping soon, so he stopped trying to wipe them away, when new ones came to replace the older ones. So he just leaned back and let himself think (that certainly was a dangerous choice, it always was and always will be) and didn’t pay attention to the tears and how he could feel his eyes getting swollen from crying. Somewhere in the background, his phone was ringing. But it felt so far away that he had no idea that was it even real. Because of that, he didn’t move a muscle to go and grab the phone. Maybe he should have. Chan really just wanted to be alone, so he made conscious decision to ignore the persistent ringing. He sighed deeply after coming down from his emotional high, the exhaustion hitting him like a truck. Chan realized that what he was doing to himself wasn’t healthy at all and that it could hurt the team after some time, when he would repeatedly isolate himself. Or worse, start looking as irritated as he felt and would start lashing out. He didn’t really notice when did he fall asleep, but he did. 

“Chan-hyung! Wake up! It’s like 12 am and we need to get you into a proper bed”, he heard a voice coming from next to him. Chan was so out of it, it felt like having a fog inside of his mind, clouding and slowing every thought down. He did know that he wasn’t very happy about being woken up. Whoever had woken him up, was purely evil and a nasty person. With great effort, he peeled his eyelids open and glared at the person who had dared to wake him, he came face to face with Felix. Okay, maybe the person wasn’t so bad after all, but Chan still couldn’t help but let out a groan of agitation. He didn’t want to be awake right now and if he was being honest, he didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. Even though he wasn’t mad anymore, he still wanted to be alone. Again, he didn’t have the heart to say anything, so he just sluggishly got up.  
“Fine”, he mumbled tiredly and started to clean up the studio. He could feel Felix’s eyes on him the whole time and it made his moves stiff and him wanting to hide. Felix was very observant and wouldn’t hesitate to ask if he noticed something to be wrong. The thing is, Chan didn’t like lying. But this was something that he certainly wasn’t ready to be taken up and dealt with. He could deal with it by himself, like he always has. The anxiety made his head spin. No, that definitely won’t happen, not if Chan had any say in it. Chan still feared that when the time would come, he wouldn’t have anything to say. That his mind would blank, be completely empty of excuses to give, too tired to even try to hide anything. He just couldn’t do it. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that this wasn’t okay and what he was doing was dumb, but he just couldn’t do it. Not now, not when he had problems with accepting that he did feel tired and that he had actually got a reality check that he was in fact, not a father and that he was a normal human being with feelings and limits. He just felt like he needed to be more, like he wasn’t enough now. He was struggling. Maybe if he had more patience, he would be good enough. Maybe if he could control his emotions better, maybe he wouldn’t need to isolate himself and actually be there for his members. The list continued on in his mind. So much to improve, but it felt like everything was lacking. He was lacking. He wasn’t good enough right now, but maybe he will one day. Chan knew that perfection didn’t exist... Well, that was a lie, every member was the definition of perfect in their own ways, with their unique traits and even with their own habits and struggles, they still were everything to Chan. Chan felt the tears prick the corner of his eye, but quickly blinked the tears away. Felix was still here and very much observing him with a sharp eye. 

The Aussies left the company in comfortable silence. They were walking quietly, side to side. The silence worried Chan, was Felix okay? Felix usually liked to talk to him, especially if it was just the two of them.  
“Lix, are you okay?” Chan finally gathered the courage to ask. He feared the answer, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he knew that Felix wasn’t okay and he had selfishly ignored the signs.  
“Yeah, why?” Felix asked, eyebrows furrowed and mouth pulled into a frown, looking confused.  
“U-uh… You were just really quiet there, so I just wanted to make sure that you were fine”, Chan stuttered. He kind of wanted to jump around in joy, now knowing that maybe he didn’t need to start racking his brains for solutions.  
“Oh yeah, I’m okay. You just seemed to need some silence yourself, so I provided. Speaking of which, are you okay?” Felix asked in return, eyes sharpening and that piercing stare now nailed onto him. Chan’s mind blanked for what felt like an hour.  
“Yeah… Yeah, I’m okay”, he answered back feebly. Chan cursed himself at that moment, knowing that his feeble, vulnerable voice would raise suspicion in Felix’s head. Felix stopped walking and took a loose hold on Chan’s jacket, effectively stopping them.  
“Are you sure? You’ve been spending less time with us and more time alone in the studio. You’ve been isolating yourself. I’m just worried, hyung”, Felix said, searching for Chan’s eyes, but failed as the leader’s eyes were glued onto the ground. Suddenly the gum on the asphalt was extremely interesting, a lot more interesting than looking into Felix’s searching eyes.  
“Yeah, I know… I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy with producing and stuff. There is so much to improve”, Chan replied. It wasn’t a lie. He kind of felt like a 6 year old child being scolded by their parents, and it made him very uncomfortable.  
“It’s alright Chan, but are you saying that you made a conscious decision to isolate yourself from others?” Felix asked, voice fairly neutral. That question still sent the alarms off in Chan’s head. He just nodded numbly, when he couldn’t come up with a real excuse. He had kind of walked himself into that one.  
“Why do you ask?” Chan questioned, voice cracking ever so slightly at the end. His heart was going too fast and his chest felt heavy with anxiety.  
“Some people, when stressed or anxious, tend to fade away at times. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this, hyung. I’m seeing a pattern here”, Felix said, kind of letting an invisible question hang in the air. ‘Am I right?’. And the answer was yes. There was a pattern and that was exactly what Chan did when he was stressed or anxious enough. And Felix had figured the pattern out.

He just stared at the ground, eyes wide and heart in his throat. This wasn’t how everything was supposed to turn out, not at all. He tried to explain himself, he did, but nothing intelligent came out.  
“I- Lix, it’s not- I don't -but”, he continued stuttering. Felix took a gentle hold of Chan’s jaw, making the older man look at him. It definitely cut him off as Chan stared at Felix’s eyes, his own eyes wide and unblinking.  
“It’s okay”, Felix said, slowly coming closer to Chan. Chan had a strong urge to backstep quickly and flee, but the grip on his jaw was quite grounding, even though there was nearly no pressure at all. Felix wrapped his arms around Chan and held him. Chan remained unmoving for awhile, but after a minute or so, he brought his arms around the younger Aussie. Chan didn't know what to do. He just knew that Felix had figured out something that he most definitely wasn't supposed to and that scared him. Felix would most likely push for answers at some point, when he would truly notice how harmful Chan's coping mechanism was. It made him feel vulnerable, now knowing that someone else had a new way of looking at him and analyzing his every move.  
“None of you were ever supposed to figure out… To know”, Chan mumbled brokenly, the heart in his chest shattering into tiny pieces. He wasn't exactly why he felt that way, but he did. Chan hated how little control he had over his life, as it was drived with numerous responsibilities and he was just chained to the schedule and things that he was supposed to do. He was sure that Felix could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, as the pair was pretty much pressed against each other. Chan didn't want to let go of the younger man, not wanting to see Felix's concerned, soft face. And it was also an excuse to bask in the warmth and comfort that Felix provided. As if sensing his thoughts (sometimes Chan wondered if Felix was a mind reader), tightened his hold again on Chan. Felix started lowly humming, making Chan's focus depart from his thoughts and tune in to listen Felix's low voice hum something. He focused on how he felt Felix's chest rumble with the hum and how it felt against him. Slowly, he started melting into Felix. His mind was finally slowing down and he sighed in relief. He felt sluggish again.  
“I can carry you to the dorms, it isn't too far away anymore”, Felix suddenly said and successfully startled Chan. Felix chuckled and patted Chan's back comfortingly and apologized quietly.  
“But I don't want you to carry me”, Chan protested and clinging onto the Aussie tighter.  
“It's okay, hyung. You can barely stand right now, you can someday repay me by giving me a piggyback ride”, Felix suggested, already untangling himself from Chan's hold. Chan grumbled something under his breath, but hopped onto the younger's back without any further objections. Felix adjusted his grip on Chan's thighs and started moving after getting a good hold. Chan just pressed his nose to Felix's neck and smiling dumbly, when Felix shuddered at the contact.

That night, Chan slept next to Felix. There was going to be a day (knowing Felix, most likely tomorrow) when Felix would ask for answers. Chan did not look forward to it at all, but for now, he just wanted to sleep while being surrounded by Felix's warmth. There wasn't any place he'd rather be right now. 

When Chan woke up in the morning, he was very comfortable. He was warm enough and he could feel someone being wrapped around him, like a koala. He instantly smiled slightly, bringing his hands on top of the other boy’s hands. He recognized the small hands as Felix’s. It just made him feel even softer than before, he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because Felix always just had a warm aura around him, that made you feel at ease when you were with him. Of course Felix could be loud sometimes and truly have fun, but in a nutshell, Felix just was a warm, good-hearted person, that you most definitely shouldn’t pass up. Chan just stayed where he was and listened to Felix’s slow, steady breathing, feeling the boy’s heartbeat against his back. At one point, Chan totally spaced out, which was the exact reason why he missed when Felix started stirring awake.  
“Good morning, hyung”, Felix said, voice even lower than usual after just waking up. Chan blinked in surprise and made an effort to turn around to look at the younger. His smile was returned to his lips fairly quickly, when seeing Felix’s sleepy face right in front of him.  
“Morning”, he replied back, but started coughing and blushing furiously because of how scratchy his voice sounded. Well that was embarrassing, Chan thought. Felix just laughed quietly. After that, it was quiet. Chan had taken Felix’s hand in his own and had started to fiddle with his fingers. Suddenly, Felix spoke up:  
“Hyung… About yesterday…” Chan stiffened. He knew it was coming, but he wasn’t quite prepared still. I think I will never be prepared for that, but I guess here we go then, he encouraged himself in his mind.  
“Can you please tell me what’s been going on? I hate seeing you hurt and isolated like that. I just want to help you and -”, Felix rambled. Chan held up his hand, making Felix stop talking.  
“I’ll talk to you, Lix. Just… Let me collect my thoughts”, Chan said, sounding small and defeated. He honestly felt that way too. This is only for good, he reminded himself. Felix nodded and they were again in silence.  
“So uhh… I… I sometimes get overwhelmed with all the responsibilities I have as a leader, a friend and so on. I sometimes just feel like I’m being pulled in too many directions and it makes me feel like I’m about to break. I’m just too scared to ever tell you guys, because I’m afraid that you would start tip-toeing around me and wouldn’t trust me with your concerns anymore, because I am happy and honored to know that you have so much trust in me, but sometimes it’s just a bit too much. So when that happens, I feel like I have nobody to turn to, to get some stuff of off my chest… So I bottle things up, because I don’t want to lash out at anyone. And to avoid lashing out, I get isolated and try to just deal with it quietly by myself”, Chan talked mindlessly, it felt like he was just inside of his mind and the words just tumbled out of his mouth. It was for the best, if he started to think about it too much, he probably wouldn’t have been able to even open his mouth. And Felix let him talk, not once interrupting him. After Chan was done talking, Chan gave Felix time to think. 

“I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that… I just… Ugh, I’m just sad that you felt like you couldn’t talk to anyone! Please know that we’re all here for you, just like you are for us. It’s okay to need someone to talk to, everyone has limits. Just… Next time when you feel like this, come to talk any one of us, I can bet my life on that nobody here would mind listening you. You can trust us to catch you, when you fall, we’re here”, Felix finally said. Chan opened and closed his mouth like a fish. When he noticed that he wasn’t able to mutter a words, as his mind was too full but at the same time, blank, he just nodded. Neither one of them knew that there were an extra pair of ears listening on their conversation. The boy bit his lip and shifted onto his other side, worry mingling in his mind. He had the need and want to help Chan too. So that was exactly what he was going to do. 

A few hours flew by and the dorms were coming slowly alive again. Low chatter could be heard from the kitchen and every member looking dazed, were preparing breakfast, talking or snoozing at the kitchen table. Felix had convinced to Chan that the members would survive, even if he wasn’t there to prepare breakfast for them. Again, Chan realized how much he seemed like a father. A father of 8 kids… He still felt guilty for not going, but Felix offered to say that if others asked, he would say that he had more or less, kidnapped Chan and had not let him get up from the bed. It wasn’t a lie exactly either, so it eased Chan’s mind. When they finally decided to emerge from their castle of blankets, they were greeted with warm smiles. To Chan’s relief, nobody seemed mad at all that he wasn’t there from the beginning.  
“I’m glad you caught up with some sleep”, Jeongin quipped from his seat, over a mouthful of cereal. Chan sent a dimpled smile his way, while Seungmin scolded the maknae for talking with food in his mouth. Felix went to put in some toast for the both of them and it took maybe 20 seconds, when another person attached them Chan. Chan smiled and turned his head, only to find Minho there. Minho looked very much awake, and it kind of stood out, since everyone else looked like they had just woken up.  
“What’s up, Minho?” Chan asked, slowly starting to card his fingers through the dancer’s hair. Minho remained silent, only coming a tiny bit closer to Chan. Chan furrowed his brows at that. Yes, Minho was very affectionate, but he seemed to have a different feeling today. Chan couldn’t quite put a finger on it but he wanted to help if he could.  
“Is there something on your mind? Something you want to talk about?” Chan asked again, this time with a much more softer and consoling voice. Minho finally seemed to snap out of his thoughts and quickly looked at Chan.  
“I’m sorry”, Minho apologized lowly. Chan’s eyes widened at that and turned his whole body so he was facing Minho completely. Minho wasn’t the best with words, but Chan had patience.  
“What? Why are you sorry?” Chan asked, now slowly leading the younger man away from the noisy kitchen. They stopped at the hallway and Chan put his hand on Minho’s shoulder.  
“I’m sorry… I accidentally heard your and Felix’s conversation. I normally wouldn’t have said anything, but I just need to say this, because otherwise it would most likely eat me from the inside”, Minho laughed nervously. Chan’s heart was beating fast again but he kept still. Whatever Minho was about to say, seemed a little difficult for Minho.  
“I just want you to know that what Felix said to you… Is absolutely correct. Not a single soul living in this dorms would mind listening to you. A lot of us enjoy listening to you talk, no matter what the subject may be. And if listening to you would help, all of us would volunteer right away, because of how much you do for us constantly. So let us re-pay you that kindness. And like… You know, my bed is only a few meters away from mine”, Minho continued, nervous smile still playing on his lips. Chan took a moment to register the words that Minho so sincerely had said to him and slowly, despite his anxious heartbeat, he started to smile. He closed the distance between the two of them and hugged Minho tightly.  
“Thank you.”


End file.
